Sometimes I can’t put into words the goings on of my heart and mind. I have felt a little scattered this past week. I have been really thankful for quiet nights, but my surroundings haven’t really reflected my heart. Part of it all is the unknown. I don’t know where I am moving schools. (*update* I have since learned that I am staying at my school) I don’t know if the Mr. passed his quals. I don’t know about the Africa trip. I don’t know where our family will be in the near future. The unknowns scare me. I am the type of person who doesn’t really like surprises. Just this last year I think I figured out why. The surprises I got growing up were…we’re moving! Not always the greatest. Part of my own healing has been to learn how to let go of the unknowns and be ok with it. I love to control what is going to happen and my surroundings. It is way I self protect. Because of that need/desire to control I have not allowed God the room to move in my life.
Oh how I wish I could it was easy…It isn’t. I feel like I am on a daily basis right now surrendering my hopes, my wishes, my wants, my, my, my to God. Just this morning before I could even start my day I had to confess to God my lack of belief in Him. I had to confess that I don’t trust this plan that is unfolding before me. I had to confess those dreams that I am holding onto desperately. Then I had to repent….meaning change those thoughts. For me it was more of releasing my grip and letting some very precious plans and hopes go. If I want to receive all that God has for me, I have to continually give Him these things. After those few moments of acknowledging my heart and the lack of trust. I grieved over those dreams. They are good dreams. They are straight from the heart of a mom and wife. I feel that they line up with God’s will. Here’s the problem. I am loving the dream more than the Father. I am wanting the dream more than the Son.
He has to become my all, my everything. So all that to say. I am in the process of letting some very real and precious things go in my life. I am having to trust that God’s plans are good for me and full of hope. This has been a verse that has spoken to me since college.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
If you are like me and have a hard time trusting. Keep releasing…Keep letting it go….His plan is better.