I really trying to wrap this up, but I know that I like reading short snippets on people’s blogs because I am usually reading between or during activities throughout my day so bear with me.
We sat down with these two ladies and shared our story. I was emotional and began to realize at that moment how deep this passion ran. I started to see how I had let this become dormant in my life. I had given up and decided there was no chance of it ever being realized. By the end of the meeting, they said we are not going to say no, but we can’t say yes either. You see we (Adam and I) have this thing called a school loan and it is mighty large and with this organization you are only allowed to have a certain amount. We had a creative solution to that problem, but wasn’t sure it was going to fly with the organization. They were going to talk to their supervisors about it all, but basically said it’s up to you to begin the process.
WHAT!!!! I wanted a clear answer. Didn’t you hear me God? What are you doing? So no clear answer, but in my heart I felt a no. I asked to hide out in an office at church and I cried and cried. Adam did too. I think we both knew even though we didn’t know. I reluctantly went into service, sat at the back (not my norm), and tried to not be bitter, but I was.
My thoughts were: Look at this God, all these people have the opportunity to not only know who you are, but worship with other believers. Why am I here? I am not really needed. There are others who are more than happy to stay. I am ready and willing to go so why the no? I don’t understand you God? Why did you create me this way only to say no?
The very next day, I was at the church for a rehearsal with one of the boys and the representative was there. She and I sat down, and she began to tell me that she had heard from her supervisor that morning. The answer was officially no. God answered the prayer, but my heart had already heard the answer. So I cried again.
I want to be real and honest here. I was MAD at God. I did not understand this decision. BUT because of the work I had done in the past 4 years, I was still willing to TRUST him because I knew that He is good even when we don’t understand the whys. Did that mean I was not allowed to feel sad or depressed or angry about it? NO! I actually had a good cry about the no every two weeks. I would be doing fine, then we would sing a song about the lost and I would lose it. Not just a little, A LOT.
It was super hard to not get bitter feelings, but I kept/keep reminding myself that God has a plan and it must be better than what I was thinking. Slowly, but surely I was started to heal and am still in that process.
At the end January, Adam and I went to a ministers’ meeting. They sent us off for some solitude and I was so grateful. I hadn’t had a moment to myself in awhile and needed to just feel. I was coming back in at the end of our time, but needed to freshen up in the ladies’ room. Of course, there was a sweet woman in there who can read people because the Holy Spirit had gifted her that way and she asked one simple question. I got to lose it all over again. She could tell it and knew it. She said it was like I was boxed in. That was exactly how I felt.
(to be continued – you will get to hear more about the heart issues)