This is where it gets a little muddy because I’m trying to convey the process that went on inside my head and heart. My husband can testify that I am not very good at communicating feelings or thoughts when there is a chance of not being understood or hurt in any way. I will do my best though to go through the ups and downs.
Refinement. Just like I said in the last post, I was feeling boxed in, trapped. I had for so long put my hope in this dream of being on mission with God in a place far away from here that I didn’t have a second plan. So now what? I was still drowning in this sea of sorrow. On top of this Adam had by now gotten a job at Sandals. Was this about him? What about me? Is there a lesson about submission? Oh so many questions, so many fears, so many tears left to be shed.
There was a lesson to be learned and I am still in the process of learning it. I had made missions an idol. I had put that in place of really knowing and loving God. No matter what, God wants ME. ALL of me. The plans I had made had superseded this desire. When it was taken away from me, I had to face the facts. Did I really love God or did I love the idea of living overseas?
I was brought back to the startling fact that God loves me not what I do. I needed to rest and trust in that alone. I needed to allow that thought to permeate through my heart and mind once again. I was still sad, but my heart was healing.
I realized, also, that I could no longer deny my heart or the passion that God had placed there to love people who have not heard the gospel. I needed to find ways to allow that to live out even if I am here. This meant I had to say no to other things like leading a small group for Real Healing because I wanted to be available for might be in store.
Thankfully, He has done just that. (to be continued)