Recently my husband, Adam, preached a message at our church. One of his main points was that any type of control we think we have is a myth. I was immediately reminded of this moment. #1 and #2 were at camp and I had taken #3 and #4 to the beach. They were standing in the water taunting the waves. “You can’t get me!” they screamed. I laughed because the very next moment a wave came and literally knocked their legs out from under them. God whispered to me, “that’s you. You scream at life and tell it that you can take it on, but you can’t. You need me and you need to start realizing it sooner.” How I crave control! I want to know that if I do A, B, and C my boys will be amazing Godly men who will do no wrong. I want to determine my steps by laying down a formula that I think God desires or wants so that good things happen. I strive and work to make life happen the way I think it should. I long for Shalom and think I can create it on my own.
Then life knocks my feet out from under me. It doesn’t have to be big earth shattering wave, but just enough so that I am aware that I am not in control. So what do I do then? Often I work hard at putting life back in order so that “control” is maintained, but what I should and need to do is release the control I think I have, acknowledge that God is and pray.
Seems like an easy thing to do, but I am finding it so hard to open surrendered hands and allow life to go on out of my “control”. My boys are going to mess up (they are human). My husband is going to mess up (he is human). I am going to mess up, let people down, and be a big fat sinner. (I am human). My hope is that in those moments I will come back to this place of complete surrender and allow God to be in control. Shalom (peace/the way things ought to be) will come and is coming, but I am not the one to make it happen.